it's been again, a long time, since i wrote my last entry.

med school is difficult. it has been so from the start. there are times when i thought that would change through the years. i guess i was wrong. not that it's horrible or nightmarish or anything. just that it's tough and it's been tough personally.

today there i was again, up in the wards, staring down at an ECG (electrocardiogram) sheet for 10 minutes without having a clue what's wrong with it. the patient was lying just over there, and he may have found it funny that i was frowning ever so deeply. for me, it wasn't quite so funny; it was very frustrating.

faith and humility are 2 words i think i'm really been made to learn here. and there are times when i cry out to God, and i just couldn't take it anymore, i wanna quit, i wanna leave. there are times when i pray to God to show himself to me, and tell me in the face what this is all about. there are times when i ask for miracle(s). some ppl think that i don't struggle just because i've been a believer for close to 10 years. how far away from the truth is that, God knows for sure. at the end of the day, God always brought me through; emotional breakdowns, spiritual breakdowns, relational breakdowns. everything. i quote kayne west, 'it's amazing' (lol yes i do R&B. sometimes)

faith, because it is precisely at the moment when i pray, God show yourself to me, or God, tell me what on earth you want from me, or God are you there? can you see? that His words already answered me, though written many many years ago. Yes, i'm here. well i'm in you, so er...how else d'you want me to show myself? yes i see, i hear. The funny thing is, there are many times when i am the one who failed to see Him at work, actively, protecting, safeguarding, blessing, in my life.

humility, because i have to come face to face with my weaknesses and limitations. i'm not used to that. i am not bragging; the simple fact is that i've shielded myself from the need to see my weaknesses; i play safe so i don't fail. i try everything so that at the end of the day i don't look so bad. i try to have some ah q thinking so that it's all good at the end of the day and what i did was still pretty much on top. i.e. i've been living at the top, only because i've deliberately stayed away from thigns that would expose my inadequacy. med school tore that wall down. i'm not very good at handling that; some of my friends take it more easily; and perhaps this is a personality trait too; in chinese we call it 'ho shing' which means 'loves winning'. i used to think med school was just about humbling me spiritually - that still holds true, because every corner i turn i'm challenged to realize that i'm self-righteous, religious but not really spiritual, hypocritical, timid, and boastful. but now it's take on another dimension; in a very practical sense, i have to face what i've not used to facing - pure dumbfound in front of the doctor; saying very very stupid things etc etc.

has that all been easy? course not. it's been very very hard. sometimes its so hard that i though, you know what, i'm not doing this anymore. i'll quit. God's timely intervention always come, somehow; when it doesn't, i'm leaning to look back at the times when He more than miraculously brought me up, and trust in His words: for as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love. nothing can separate us from the love of the Lord our God in Jesus Christ. if i may be honest, i don't have a perfect answer as to why i'm in med school. i can tell you all about my aspiration and dreams and ambition and all that, but as to what God want to specifically teach me in med school other than in preparation for my career, i am still learning, day by day.  but i know i've learnt so much here, outside of books. and i think that one day, when i'm before Him, face to face, and i ask Him, He'll pat me on the head, give me a cup of coffee (maybe?), run the video of my life, and explain it to me in detail. and then i'll understand. and smile at that little journey i took.

'Do you not know? have you not heard? the Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no once can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.'

Be still, oh my soul. and know that the Lord is God

to be very honest, i am anxious.

i have never felt more under prepared for an exam. and i know that, after looking at my notes again and realizing that i've forgotten more than 90% of it, that the exam day after tomorrow will be a hard mountain to climb.

but if i ask myself honestly, i have no regrets. i have done all i could. i have done my very best, and i know that i'm not trying to comfort myself when i say this. since the beginning of 2009, i've giving what effort i could to this field of studies. there was not a day that i can look back and say, i wish i didn't waste that day. i've worked at it with all my energy and i've given it my attention and my hardwork. for the first time since entering medical school, i embraced my education, treasuring it, making the most of my opportunities. i've never been more eager to learn; i remembered that when i first got in here, i scorned much of what i learnt and paid little regards to what knowledge i'm getting. this wasn't the case this year. i've tried, and i've tried hard. i've tried to learn and i know i did what i could.

looking at this exam and the insurmountable odds, i know that there wasn't anything that i could have done more. i don't know what else i could have done. and everytime when i thought about just dishing the whole idea of it, i reminded myself that someday, someone is going to need this. this will help the people i come across. i think with what i've been given, i've really done my very best. if i fail in the exam day after tomorrow, it would be hard to accept, no doubt, but i think i would be fine with it. not because i'm ok with failing. but because i know i've done all that i could have, not just for this exam, but throughout this whole long year; i've given my education my every effort. i do not regret at all, and i do not lament that i've wasted my time, because i know that is not the case.

in the wards, i've worked as hard as i could. i've tried to learn from my patients, and i've tried to force myself not to be idle or lazy. with the teachers, i've tried to be inquisitive...and i know that i'm not the brightest medical student; there are many times when i just don't know, or just couldn't think fast enough, and i received a hard rebuke or a remark from the teacher which really stung at the moment. but i know the more stupid i was made to look at that point, the more likely i would remember what i needed to know for the rest of my career, and hopefully that will be helpful to me, and better yet, the patients i come across. my teachers have been generous; they didn't scorn my lack of knowledge or my slowness of thought; they would try to answer my questions even if they are really really amateur. there were many times when i've felt deeply humiliated this year, not so much because others have deliberately humiliated me, but because i sensed there i wasn't capable of many things. but i guess i'm also learning at the same time to accept my limits. it's not been an easy lesson, but i've been trying, and i hope it will all yield good ends.

as for the coming exam, i'm not prepared. but i am ready. hopefully, these hard times will be worth their while.

i stood amongst the crowd. they said later on that there were 2500 of them. quite amazing, i must say, to be in a city where 98% of the population are chinese, and yet here i am, amongst a crowd that cannot be ignored, dressed in all kinds of different costumes, speaking all kinds of different languages, of different skin colours. and we seem strangely out of place. it seems as though we have nothing to do with all of this. but i know very well that i have as much to do with all this as many of the people who were there.

my best friend and roommate from high school. 2 other good friends. 6 colleagues. all from that tiny patch of land in the western corner of asia.

i couldn't help but think about why i was there. culturally or politically, i have no affiliations with either party. in terms of my personal conviction, i have much reason to be there. but to be amongst the crowd? what reason was there? and then i told my friends, a bit jokingly at first, but in fact could be quite true, i was there for my roommate.

but then this still seems inadequate. afterall, i know very well that my roommate and his family now resides comfortably in a fairly affluent and peaceful country. he is studying in one of the best institutions in america and is on his way (hopefully) to become a successful scientist and doctor.

and then came the point where my friends and i thought we ought to have a banner in our hands as well. there were banners and flags all around us. some of which i agree to. some i may not fully understand. and we actually thought for a while what we ought to write.

and we first wrote Shalom. in hebrew, it means peace. a much needed message.

then a friend pointed out that this is not our only message. we have another message that we wish those who are in power and those who are in the grounds and those who were with us then to see.

and so we wrote this, prayed a lil about it, and raised it into the air, a very short, simple message

WWJD

may peace come upon israel and palestine

we're witnessing history. something quite significant is happening here. regardless of the results tomorrow, i do think i ought to pray for the country of USA.

and i wonder how mr. abraham lincoln would feel had he been alive today. could he have foreseen how much his efforts were to bear fruit in proportions he could never have imagined?

being the movie-person that i am, when exam time comes, i find that if i visualize myself being a character from certain war movies, it really helps with my studies. here are some of the prime examples of such characters:

the 300 spartan warriors armed with shields and spears in 300. ahu ahu AHU!

the Easy company in the HBO series Band of Brothers. Fire in the whole! Incoming!

alternatively, the brave marines in Saving Private Ryan. Ryan!

the russian infantry dying en masse in Enemy at the Gates. for mother Russia!

naturally, the riders of Rohan in Lord of the Rings. Rohirrim!

the English navymen in Master and Commander: at the far side of the world. Full broadside!

Roman legions in the lands of Alemania, Gladitor. Maximus, maximus, maximus (med school friends: please do not add gluteus to the name)

in case you haven't noticed, mass casualties is the common factor in all of these movies. and in the case of 300. annihilation. THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!